Anewlife2012

Last week I forgot to tell you all about my brush with the law...sometimes my days are not all me seeing life through wry,funny,sarcastic tinted glasses. Dalys is one of my closest friends , I have known her for over 11 years (we met when she tried to carjack me ..but  that story is for another day) . She is not only the spitting image of Halle Berry with the great figure and awesome wardrobe,she is a truly kindred spirit and our love of Howard Stern, Chris Rock and shiny objects formed the bond that is unbreakable , and her son is known as Stephen Keith Patel , I treat him like I pushed him out my own  hoohah !So it hurts my heart to see what she has gone through in the last 5 years with her no good, cheating , bastard husband ( you mormon gals please forgive the expletive..but it is truly warranted) .Dr  Stephen has been cheating on Dalys for years and the last time she caught him she gave him ONE last chance and had a Post-Nup agreement drawn up that stated if he cheated again and she could prove it..she would get the deed to the house signed over to her. Needless to say he did cheat again with EIGHT yes EIGHT women at ONE time. How the man had time to hold down a full time job is beyond me and service 8 women!!!So the eternal story of divorce plays out ..man denies adultry woman proves her case with private detective photos , man still denies poking 8 women...judge finds in favor of woman and man has to move out.

This is where the story heats up...Judge gives man 5 days to move out of house...man waits till woman is at work and then steals all the expensive art work!!!.Luckily one of Dalys 'neighbors saw the moving van in her driveway and called her at work..She rushes home to find the movers putting the last of the paintings in their truck ( total value $250k!!!!) , she calls the police, ...they come and say there is nothing they can do as her court papers do not specify what he can or cannot take, cops leave. She goes into house and sees man taking the  photos of her and her son..she objects he grabs and throws her across the the room...she falls and hurts herself...crawls to a phone and dials 911. She then calls me tells me what occurred and I rush over.
I arrive to her house there are 3 cop cars in the driveway and 8 police officers ...he gets arrested , she goes to the ER  and then  files a  protective order.he gets even madder...and the story plays out like any divorce in America on any given day.So here we are today..she has the house minus 250k of art work..he has a arrest on his record and will find it hard to get another job as a MD if he loses the one he has now...so he won't be able to pay the mortgage on the big house or child support..NO ONE WINS especially little Stephen..he has been gipped out of a Father who couldn't care less about him and would rather spend his time with women he picks up than teaching his son the tools that he needs to be a man of color in 2012 America.Dalys has been conned out of the oath she took with this  man 20 years ago on her wedding day to be the best wife and mother one could be and to love ,honor and cherish this man , in sickness and in health, in good times or bad..till death do them part. WHY CANT PEOPLE KEEP THE PROMISES THEY MAKE?

So here we are today a week later..Dalys is recovering from her injuries, Stephen is paying thousands in lawyers fees and little Stephen is left with a half ass Father who would rather not pay his school fees and spend the money on taking one of his whores to a bed and breakfast for the weekend, and a mother who is weary of protecting him from all this craziness and now has been assaulted by the man he idolizes only because his mother has done every thing in her power to keep Dr Stephens's image in his sons eyes perfect.NO ONE WINS ...please all keep little Stephen in your prayers and ask the powers that be to protect him from any pain...Promise next post will be lighter!!I will tell you about the Chinese Mafia that has infiltrated my HOT YOGA CLASS

So this week kicked off with me getting a slew of medical tests. It has been 12 years since any one looked at my dipstick or checked my oil ( that was not meant to sound ribald in any way).Kal and I drove up to the Princeton Center for Longevity in New Jersey for 8 hours of full body examination. The offices were something out of a movie..if you can imagine the visitor center at the pearly gates of heaven.The office was all white and glass and shiny happy people everywhere. All slim, youth full with blindingly white teeth . The receptionist said "Welcome Mr and Mrs Patel" before we even got through the door..how did she know who we were? Kal said ' She better know we for the amount of money they charged me for this day".
I had a colonoscopy,bone density test, full body scan, eye and hearing test, full blood panel,mammogram, gyn and cervical scrape( Dont you hate that word "scrape" when talking about your hoohah.) Cardiac ct and dye study,meeting with a dietician( so she could formally berate me for my horrific diet) and fitness evaluation( which resulted in them finding out that I dont really exercise at all). I had high hopes for today because I was sure they would tell me that I had a massive 30 lb tumor in my stomach  and that is why I have put on weight and my appetite is that of an olympic swimmer because I have to feed the tumor and I would have a documentory  made on me for the Discovery Channel.  Alas sadly I was told I had to lose 20lb and there was no health reason that I could not do this...THERE IS NOTHING AT ALL WRONG WITH ME IN ANY WAY!!!. that was the final conclusion that the doctor came up with...all I had to do was eat healthy and exercise more. ARE YOU CRAZY MAN!! i think i need a second opinion and a bag of chips( family size) STAT!! Quick nurse she is going into cardiac arrest...she needs IV CARBS AND ICE CREAM( rocky road with gummy bears on top
) NOW!!!!!!.
So the end of the week results in me eating oatmeal made with water for breakfast, an apple and salad for lunch and grilled chicken and broccoli for dinner..no coffee. only water...and exercising for an hour...plus the only people at the gym in the daytime are the walking dead( people over 70 ) and Malcolm the cleaner...Oh how I long for the days of old equinox when we had all that food in the kitchen all the time .

This week I decided to go back to Yoga class..its been 18 months since I contorted my body into a pretzel...after that I decided to just eat pretzels...that is why I am in such bad shape. I got to the Gym 5 mins before class started..I ran from the car park up 15 steps ( which made me so out of breath , I thought I should turn around and sleep in the back of the car for an hour) burst into the yoga room ...which was packed to the gills ..there was only 1 spot left ..next to 2 women in full on burkhas. Not to be a believer in stereotypes...ok I am a believer in stereotypes...all I could think was no one wanted to do Yoga next to Mrs Al-QUEDA and her daughter Jihadi. So I put my mat down next to Al and Jihadi and then marveled at the fact that they were going to do yoga in the tents they were wearing. They both looked at me like I was the side show freak...all I could see was pity in their eyes...well ALL I could see was THEIR eyes. So we started off the class very gently ..as we progressed to harder poses I noticed they could do them like pros ..tent and all . Me on the other hand just sat there gulping water amazed at their dexterity wearing so many layers. I then realized that the burkhas could hide a multitude of sins..maybe I should get one then no-one could see how fat I really was..but then people would judge you , place you in a stereotypical category of being a terrorist. What was worse being fat or being a terrorist...DEFINITELY being FAT was the worst. So what if I was mistaken for a terrorist and ended up at Guantanamo ...well at least the orange jump suits would hide my rolls of fat...and water boarding might fill me up with enough water that I would not want to eat a family size bag of Wavy Lays..hmmm truly hard to find a downside to the whole scenario.At the end of class I just lay on my mat spread eagle like some giant Moose that had just been shot panting,covered in sweat. Al and Jihadi then looked at me not just with pity this time...but with a little bit of disgust. They are probably thinking if this is what women's equality and democracy leads to ..hell I am happy being downtrodden and being classed as a possession along side my husbands goats at least we are thin and healthy...not like Moose lady.Where do you think you go and buy a burkha? Burkha Barn, Burkha Republic, Burkhas R US..Burkha Bros...I could go on ...

So Day One was pretty quick ...woke up this morning as I usually do but without the panic/ dread feeling I have every work day thinking about all I have to do before leaving the house at 7:50am.I was able to take my time making breakfast as there was no rush to clean up everything, I was half way pleasant to the kids as I did not have to get ready to go anywhere..no make up no having to tame the bush on my head..just a lovely winter morning.Got Riana on the bus, did not have to drive like I was a getaway driver for a bank robbery. I turned the corners so gently not like I was an Nascar star.Had a nice conversation with Riana about colleges instead of the usual " survey questions"...Do you have Shoes on ..check...Do you know what time i have to pick you up..check..Do you need me to get anything from anywhere for school this week like cookies or  pirate costume etc..

Came back home had a shower and had time to put lotion on not just dab it on the bits that are rough and ashy and that will show to the public. Had a lovely yoga session then went to lunch with my fav ladies.
We had a laugh and a bitch and then a laugh again..

Got home and marveled at the magazine ...it is like a shiny object...you girls will get the reference
Then jammed down a massive piece of Joanne's cake...I am supposed to be on the thyroid lifestyle diet..but screw it this one day . Jo's cake is the 8th wonder of the world ..Then I read the cards from Jo and Cindy and started blubbering as I was eating cake so I was getting choked up and it doesn't help if your throat is full of cake..the kids walked in at the same moment and I couldn't speak and my eyes were all teary and red. Roshan asked me if I had been attacked in the time he went to the bus stop to pick Riana up
and to nod if he needed to call 911. I shook my head vigourously and the Riana said " i think she's having a seizure" By this time I was able to swallow the lump of cake and tried to rasp 'WATER" Once I could finally talk I told them how I got in that state they started laughing racously and so did I which then precipitated the choking again...as soon as I could speak I jammed more cake in my gullet. The kids got fed up with me trying to kill myself with Jo's cake and left me. Riana said " is that how you want to be remembered ..THE WOMAN WHO TRIED TO SUFFOCATE HERSELF WITH CHOCOLATE CAKE"  as she departed.

I thought about what she said..if you have to go it's not a bad way of going?

So the countdown to my "new life" begins ....January 9th 2012 will be I am sure filled with highs and lows.
Lets just recap the last 20 years...I graduated college,got engaged and married and had a baby all in a 12 month stretch. I then emigrated to America, had another child and started a business...fast forward to today ..I sold that business and with the proceeds it allows me to officially 'retire' at the age of 43.

So what do I do with my days and life moving forward??? This blog will document the ups and downs and detail the my journey wherever it is leading me.

I write this blog to stay connected to the women that have become not just my friends but the sisters I never had and to stay bonded to them means everything...SO HERE GOES!!!!!!